Divorce and the Holidays

Life is very interesting.  We all plan our futures and God laughs when he throws us a curveball.  Change is something that most of us want nothing to do with as it makes us uncomfortable, yet it happens each and everyday.  We never notice it because usually the change is slight and happens over time, however there are times when the change hits you on the head like a ton of bricks.  My daughter Alicia being diagnosed with cancer was one of those ‘aha’ moments that changed life forever.  One day you wake up, and along with an MRI believe you only have Christmas wrapping and baking to do that day.   Within a few hours, you are sitting in a hospital and your life is never the same again.  I have had my share of ‘aha’ moments and in 2005 the next one would be when I was served with divorce papers by my then husband.  I really haven’t written about it and have only spoken about it with my close network of friends since my marriage was a statistic like so many others out there.  Another divorce, what’s the big deal?  It has been five years since my former husband legally made his wish known by filing for divorce and my life and the lives of my girls have never been better.  We have a ‘peaceful’ life filled with lots of love, laughter and adventures.  We have met people and done things we never would have had the opportunity to do,  we have worked hard for our passion the Honeysuckle Foundation for Children with Cancer and life is good.  There is however a missing piece to that puzzle and for that my heart is broken.  I have three children two daughters and a son.   In my divorce the children were split due to the ‘legal minds’ that believed a then 13 year old boy would do better with his father who could serve as a good ‘role model’ and a boy who wanted to be with his father.  Although I had my misgivings, I agreed with the understanding that he would have visitation with me, call me and having me in his life would be encouraged.  Was I wrong and for that I am saddened.  I have not had the luxury to see him over these past five years.  No visits, no phone calls, no thank you for the gifts I send to commemorate his birthdays, holidays and even a high school graduation that I was excluded from.  It is though I do not exist.  I often wonder what type of man he is growing up to be when after a Catholic school education,  he can turn his back  not only on me, but my entire family grandparents included.  I am far from perfect, however those who know me cannot believe it as I cannot believe it myself.  When a child is taught to hate and ignore his family, the consequences will be far reaching and last a lifetime.   I pray for my son, and pray for his future as his mother, sisters, his grandparents and entire family truly want to be a part of his life.   I struggle to think those around him have not encouraged him to keep in touch with his family, but karma is a bitch and will run you over if you don’t play fairly.    After five years of parental alienation my son probably believes he thought this up himself and he truly ‘understands’ what went on.  However, divorce is about adults and an adult agenda should never be inflicted upon a child.   This is the saddest part of the holidays as there are thousands of parents out there who have been shut out of their children’s lives at a time when we should all have a chance to celebrate with them.  Parents who face alienation from their children are shunned like pariahs.  So much is missed out holidays, grandparents, and memories that make up the tapestry of our lives.  I believe in  God and his masterplan but often wonder what good could possibly come from this?  Adults need to start acting like responsible parents and put their own agendas and issues aside and make the children their priority.  When you have children they become your entire world, so why when adults split do parents use their own children as tools in order to hurt another person?  If you look at this behavior it really is an indication of much more, it speaks volumes as to the integrity, morality and character of these people.

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